Things I’ve Learned About The Blues…
1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
9. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
11.Bad places for the Blues:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey
c. muddy water
16.Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. YooHoo
17. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
18. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
19. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
20a. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20b. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
Things I did last night:
Rolled
Tumbled
Cried
Things I thought about when I woke up this mornin’:
Right
Wrong
Rivers of Whiskey
Diving Ducks
Religion
Blues is only simple if it has no meaning whatsoever. Anyone who listens to BB King knows that his blues is incredibly deep and, therefore, not simple at all. Amusing article though . . .
You also need to have the right instruments
Acceptable blues instruments:
Guitar
Harmonica
Saxophone
Non acceptable blues instruments:
Harp
Bagpipes
Clavichord
No need to give credit to me, this is an anonymously authored list that’s been floating around the internet for a few years… do what you’d like with it!
[…] know you’ll really appreciate this. I was laughing hysterically ! (both times that I’ve read it) Mad Stratter
[…] know you’ll really appreciate this. I was laughing hysterically ! (both times that I’ve read it) Mad Stratter
[…] at Mad Stratter, here is a humorous take on “bluesmanship” in the form of a list of compositional rules […]
[…] thought this was pretty funny. Found it on MadStratter’s blog… 1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way […]
Thanks for this valuable information. I’ve got me an oboe and I’m ready to rock (oboes are OK, aren’t they?).
Still some bluesey things I don’t quite understand:
Blues suicides:
Laying one’s head on that old, lonesome railroad line is obviously a pretty effective approach but why does it have to be the two-nineteen? And is that AM or PM? Not that I’m contemplating suicide at the moment but, who knows? My sweet momma might start treatin’ me mean or something and I like to be prepared.
I mean if I decide to rock on outa here at, for example, two-thirty, does that mean I have to hang around for almost twelve hours (or 24 hours if it’s AM / PM specific)?
Also, if I have to lay my head on that old, lonesome railroad line, I’m assuming that ‘old’ and ‘lonesome’ are the criteria. My nearest railroad line is about 30 years old. Is that old enough? Finally: although the nearest railroad line is pretty lonesome most of the time, I live in a very depressive area and, between two-fifteen and two-twenty five, you can hardly see an inch of track between the heads. Does that counteract the ‘lonesome’ criteria? Hope you can help.
Regards,
Ron ‘Slightly-Short-Sighted-Boy’ Tocknell
I can understand how that itch would drive ya to lay down in front of that engine, and I strongly discourage your choice in suicide. In fact, just today I was headed on down to the ol’ railway station, about to tie myself to the tracks over an a case of flamma ani, when my geetar eased my troubled mind…. so I recommend you and your oboe think long and hard about your condition, but if you insist on this course of action, I have some advice.
Rules regarding Official Blues Suicides have slackened a bit since the introduction of Daylight Savings Time. The 1:19, 2:19: or 3:19 train will suffice, AM or PM. The Midnight train will also be considered valid.
As far as maintaining compliance with the “old” stipulation, as long as she’s nineteen years old, you’re good to go. There is also a loophole in the rules that says that a line is temporarily considered “old” at exactly ninety-nine-and-one-half-days, due to the trouble and sorrows endured at such a time.
In order to remain in compliance with the code on “lonesome” railroad death, all persons fixin’ to die should remain atleast arm’s length apart in order to ensure the appearance of lonesomeness once they’re dead and gone.
Seems like blues suicides are fairly flexible with the exception of taking an overdose of barbs. The whackier, the better. You could, for example:
head on down to that river, take your old rockin’ chair (I think I’ll say that again)
head on down to that river, take your old rockin’ chair
An’ if them troubles don’t leave ya
You c’n jus’ rock on outa there
I rather like this one. It has style. Another whacky blues suicide could be:
Gonna get me a rope jus’ ta ease my pain
tie it to the buffer o’ that ol’ freight train
thread the other end through my ears
an’ let that two-nineteen yank out my brain
Lots of room for creativity here
In Bluesville, if you can come up with an imaginative form of suicide, dyin’ could be more fun than livin’
Ron ‘Mad Cripple Deaf Mute Itchy Scrote’ Tocknell
[…] Things I’ve Learned About the Blues There are ton more at this website! Very creative. (tags: blues music rules) […]
This post reminded me of a way of writing out a song as an ordered list (see http://qwantz.livejournal.com/28155.html) and thought I would add a list based on walking blues by Robert Johnson:
Things I did this morning:
Woke up
looked around for my shoes
Things I had:
mean old walking blues
Things some people tell me:
worried blues ain’t bad
Time:
Minutes:
Seem like hours
Hours:
Seem like days